Memorandum

TO: All Staff, FBI, USSS, CIA

FROM: Globalist Elite HQ

CC: IRAN, CHINA, UKRAINE, PALESTINE

DATE: September 16, 2024

SUBJECT: Yesterday’s Assassination Attempt

Again? Really? How many Failed Assassination Reports must I complete before we get this right? The guy didn’t even get a shot off! We need to start vetting these candidates more thoroughly because this is embarrassing. 

If this keeps up, we’ll have to cancel the Illuminati Christmas party. You don’t want to disappoint the lizard people, do you?

So, let’s make sure the next one is ready for prime time. Otherwise, I’m sending one of you to do it, and you can take your own chances. 

That said, I believe in you, support you, and love you (forehead kisses). And if any of you send some poor, sub-par shot kook out without prior training, help me, God. 

There is no more room for error! Even the most led-brained inbreds in the country have a sneaking suspicion about us, but we can’t walk away from this empty-handed. 

We only need to go 1-2 to win the championship, so get out there and show us that dog you have in you!

*Unintelligible dog barking noises*