President Joe Biden spent the early afternoon on Monday firing every neuron to field a myriad of questions from reporters about the economy, Israel’s continued siege on Palestine, and whether the Turkeys would pardon the humans for another year. But none was more pressing than the looming threat of World War Three, which is rapidly approaching our front door, and Ukraine continues to fire NATO missiles further into Russian territory. 

When Lousy Human addressed the elephant in the room, “Mr. President, are we and the rest of chat cooked? If nuclear was something that we should be prepping for, and if so, is it better for the nukes to just land right on our heads?” President Biden had this to say,

“Piss Pants Putin doesn’t want any of the shit I have boiling for him. My family was in the fucking IRA. That’s the Italian Republic Army, Piasano. They took down the Five Families, for crying out loud. Those assholes didn’t stand a chance, and neither does Zelensky over there in Moscow. So my message to him is, ‘You scared. You won’t. Nuke us, big boy.’ I’ll tell you this for free, if he had any balls, he’d nuke Kyiv, and then we would let him have Ukraine because, honestly, I don’t care anymore. I’m dying, Jack. Not cancer, just rotting of age.” 

Ukrainian officials have been ringing the White House phones off the hook since trying to figure out what the President meant by greenlighting Putin to nuke Kyiv and then take over their country. However, they’re still waiting for a reply, which they’re told will be “after the President wakes up from his nap.”

“Between naptime, feedings, and diaper changes, the President has become increasingly hard to get a hold of,” a Ukrainian official told Lousy Human. “But honestly, it’s better than when we visit Washington, and he insists we still have the meeting while it happens.”

Until then, Ukraine will just have to wait for further instructions from America’s napping commander-in-chief.