Ted Cruz To Repent On Tucker Carlson For January 6 Comments

“Thank you for joining me,” Tucker Carlson begins as the show goes live. “Tonight, I’d like to begin by introducing our guest. Some would say that he is a Senator from the great red state of Texas. Others, particularly those he so brazenly referred to as ‘domestic terrorists’ would call him a traitor to the United States of America, Canadian-born Raphael Cruz.” 

Tucker then slides away from his desk as the set begins to pull to either side of the set, revealing a cold Fox News production studio.

“But tonight,” Carlson continues. “His name is Nancy Regan. The ‘throat goat’ herself.”

Production assistants wheel out a chair with the senator bound by duct tape, dressed in a pants suit with a wig that resembles the former first lady’s. A cardboard sign with “Mrs. Regan” hangs around his neck. 

“Because you see, Senator Cruz, though who knows how long he will have that title, is here to repent,” the television host states coldly. “Repent for the sins he has committed against you at home, white conservatives. To him, you’re all terrorists—enemies of this country. But he’s going to taste the truth from the cock of salvation. Right here, on Fox News.” 

“Tucker, please, if I can just explain what I meant one more time I….” Cruz convenes.” 

“Oh, no, Raphael. No, no, no, no, no,” Tucker interrupts. “The time for talking is over. It’s time to drink the jizz of forgizzness. The people need to know you’re on their side and not working for the communists. Because there are millions at home thinking about voting you out for that pussy, Beto O’Rouke. They’d rather take the chance he’d take their guns than trust you.”

As Cruz bends down to service Tucker, the screen cuts to a My Pillow commercial. 

“Howdy, folks, Mike Lindell shouts. “I’m the My Pillow guy, and I smoked crack. Thanks to God’s grace and the St. Rita’s Halfway Home in West Palm Beach, Florida, I’m able to help our President, Donald J. Trump help take back the country that was stolen from him. For every My Pillow sold, 90% will go to the ‘Take Back Trump’s America’ campaign. So don’t wait. And now back to the blowjob.” 

The camera returns to a very sloppy-looking Cruz who wipes away the tears and running makeup from his face.

“I’d like to thank our guest, Senator Ted Cruz, for coming on,” Carlson concludes, adjusting his pants. “I want to thank him for taking the time to clear up the comments he made earlier this month, and I think we have come to an understanding. I’ve always admired his love of language and look forward to him being more careful with his vocabulary in the future, especially when he describes hard-working patriots in this country. And may others learn from his example. That concludes tonight’s show. Thank you and goodnight.”

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