On Tuesday, law enforcement announced that the Portland Police Department had taken into custody the suspect in the Pacific Northwest ballot box fires, which affected hundreds of votes in the Portland, Oregon, and Vancouver, Washington, areas. 

The suspect, 80-year-old Gudy Riuliani, was caught attempting to ignite another fire at a Portland ballot box before being spotted by authorities. When addressed, the hooded man “looked at police with a scared and confused expression before attempting to briskly hobble away from the officers.” 

While being put in cuffs, Riuliani told police his boss would “have them put in camps” before starting to hysterically cry and beg for his release, even going as far as to let the officers perform sex acts on him. Both refused. 

Nearby witnesses had this to say, “At first I thought he was just a homeless man who was messing with the boxes, but then the police got him and I was like ‘is that fucking Rudy Giuliani?’”

After 45 minutes of what officers called “having a dementia episode in a jail cell” Riuliani was later released after his bail was posted by energetic and shifty-eyed nephew, Tonald Drump Jr., posted his bail. The two were seen leaving the jail wearing capes and top hats before flying away in an old-timey blimp and laughing manically.