At a recent Milwaukee rally, former President Donald Trump spiraled into frustration when the microphone attached to his podium was “too low” for his liking, setting off a chain of questionable moves that left some observers amused—and others, like the mic, downright violated.

“Ugh,” Trump moaned, clutching the mic like he was ready for round two. “Want to see me knock around some people backstage?” he asked, leaning into the crowd’s cheers. “I’m seething. I’m working my ass off with this stupid mic. I’m blowing out my left arm. Now I’m blowing out my right. And I’m blowing out my damn throat, too.”

Then things got… physical. Grabbing the mic, he started yanking it back and forth, tossing it around like it owed him money, all while pantomiming with the mic in ways no mic had consented to. The crowd ate it up, but someone wasn’t laughing.

Lousy Human managed to get an exclusive (consensual) interview with the microphone that Donald Trump had manhandled that night.

“At first, when he said I was ‘too low,’ I was like, ‘yeah, yeah, been there before, keep it moving,’” the mic told us. “But then he pulls me out of my stand, starts jostling my parts around—doesn’t even have the decency to work my head. It’s just all shaft, no finesse. I mean, ever heard of foreplay?”

What bothered the mic even more, though, was Trump’s technique. “You can’t be a size queen and a bad lover, sweetie,” the mic said, sighing. “Pick a lane. Next time, maybe get one of your ‘buddies’ to find you a big, long, thick mic stand you think you can handle. Or hey, better yet, just use a bullhorn. I’m done.”