SUBJECT: FIVE STARS!!!
I couldn’t recommend Pastor Joel Kidbanger’s Blessed Holy Water more than I do now! Mr. Kidbanger’s holy water has improved my life tenfold since I first saw his infomercial at 3 a.m. last Wednesday morning.
When I ordered this product, I was flat broke with $30,000 in credit card debt, negative in my checking account, and just pennies to my name in savings.
Then Joel Kidbanger spoke to me, like a message from God telling me there was a way out of this wretched lifestyle Satan had consumed me with.
I was spending money on drugs, hookers, and frivolous possessions. A chronic masturbator with a porn addiction that caused me to sell my wife and kids to human traffickers.
But, since I’ve started routinely rubbing Joel Kidbanger’s Blessed Holy Water on my wallet and genitals every night I’ve come into some money from family-owned land that was sold by a distant cousin which provided me with $500. I’ve also cut down on watching and masturbating to pornography from seven times a day down to just five. I only smoke crack and shoot H if I can afford it, so I don’t have to suck any more dick. And because I donate 97% of my salary to Joel’s church, I can’t afford to spend my money on ‘tutes’ down by the 7-11 anymore.
In the future, I’d pray that this holy water continues blessing me and that I can one day have enough money to buy my kids back and have my ex-wife killed by a hitman.
THANK YOU, MR. KIDBANGER! I OWE YOU AND JESUS MY LIFE!