North Carolina Representative Madison Cawthorne is back on the market and looking for the next love of his life. But this time, he took a different approach to find love with a Russian spy.
“Last time a Russian spy tricked me, I was on vacation in St. Petersberg,” Cawthorne explained. “It was there a completely uncompromised U.S. marine introduced me to my incredibly active ex-wife. Most people think we were an odd pair, her being a CrossFit competing Instagram fitness influencer and me being bound to a wheelchair, but it was our WASP-y antisemitism that brought us together.”
But, the couple’s marriage was short-lived, with the pair stating unreconcilable difference being the reason for their split.
“I was always away from home, busy with work,” Cawthorne said. “And she was sleeping her way through her entire CrossFit gym.”
So when the time came to get back out there, Madison looked right back at Mother Russia.
“I was excited to see who the Russian gov…producers have in store for me this time,” the representative inferred. “My only hope was that whoever it is like to hunt, smoke cigars, and doesn’t mind wiping my ass for me when I get too drunk. And I think I’ve found that.”
Cawthorne, 26, chose 22-year-old Russian Spec Ops agent Marina NotaSpyovsky after a series of intimate questioning.
“I don’t like that people call me a Russian bot. I am not a bot,” NotaSpyovsky made clear. “I’m a human with emotions and a mission to dismantle the U.S. government from the inside. I also love Madison”
The two discussed their favorite cuisine, which the pair agreed was “Kid’s Cuisine.”
Their favorite day of the week is Sunday, the Lord’s Day.
And Marina agreed to never fuck her CrossFit coach.
But it was all sparks when Cawthrone asked what her ideal date with the representative would be? To which she replied,
“My ideal date would be like January 6th,” NotaSpyovsky answered. “I want each day of our relationship to be a fast-paced and passionate rush to the destruction of left-wing U.S. democracy. Each night, we will spend undermining the will of the American people. And every morning, we will expose government secrets to the Kremlin. Our love will create a beautiful blossom of Christo-fascism in the U.S. And we will kill anyone who stands in our way.”
It was then, fully erect in defiance of God’s will, Cawthrone made his decision.
“I hope that this one will at least touch my lifeless penis like they promised the last one would,” he concluded. “My ex-wife would just say things like ‘shut up, little bitch, no one likes you.'”
“There’s absolutely no chance we will be having sex,” Maria finished.