Kyle Rittenhouse Joins The Azov Battalion

Kyle Rittenhouse’s mom is back at it like a rogue Vietnam helicopter pilot in the fog of agent orange. This time she is dropping her son off with his rifle at the Poland/Ukraine border to push back the Russian invasion. 

“Kyle felt like he had to help defend Ukraine after seeing the news and stroking the gun that wasn’t his when he killed those people,” said Wendy Rittenhouse. “It was too close to his home for him not to act.”

“I heard they were killing white people, and I had to do something,” said Kyle. “Even after Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity advised me against it, I told mom to get the minivan ready because our culture needed to be defended.” 

Once crossing the border, Rittenhouse embedded himself into a far-right extremist, neo-Nazi, former paramilitary unit within the Ukrainian National Guard named the Azov Battalion. 

“Yeah, it’s crazy,” Rittenhouse said. “They knew I was coming and were excited to meet me at the border.” 

The group with Rittenhouse as an addition has reportedly engaged in zero conflicts with Russian combatants. 

“We’re making sure the Polish border stays defended,” Kyle rebutted. “We’re here as the last line of defense. Like a safety in football.”

When asked about the American teenager’s arrival in the country, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy stated that the group had been reported on several occasions for harassing POC refugees and preventing them from crossing the border into Poland and another incident where, for an unknown reason, bullets were fired off into a crowd killing six. However, the shooter has yet to be identified. 

“Nobody asked for this shit,” Zelenskyy said, infuriated. “Just send us the fucking planes we asked for, please. No more rednecks who want to be war heroes. Or I swear to God, I will have Putin unalive us all.” 

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