In a recent revelation by the January 6th Committee, Mike Pence, unable to access his office due to a “security malfunction,” refused to leave the capital with his secret service on the day of the insurrection. Because he thought they were going to fucking wack him, stating, “I’m not getting in that car.”

But further witness testimony revealed a more extended quote from Vice President Pence on that day.

While huddled on the loading dock as the Capital building was being attacked by a hoard of neo-nazis, white supremacists, and unhinged inbreds, a car pulled up to remove him from the situation to which he refused.

“Tim, I trust you, but I’m not getting in that car. If you think I’m going to stroll into that car and be throated by some Secret Service Agent like I’m Nancy Regan, you have your head up your ass,” Pence protested. “In fact, I would rather instead suck all your fine penises to thank you for your generosity and understanding. And don’t worry, when this is over, I will be sure to downplay the events of this day and gloss over the fact that you just tried to clap my fucking cheeks in front of my staff. Please, for the love of Jesus in Heaven, let me blow you.”

Staffers who saw the display noted a numbness they’ve come to experience throughout their time working for the administration. Exposure to such frequent pathetic events haunts them like the ghost of a lost loved one that continues to ruin all their worldly relationships. Others say with the level of skill they saw that day, Mike Pence has definitely sucked a dick before.