“Pro-Life” politicians in the United States hate abortions because they understand they should’ve been one. And if given the opportunity, many of their parents would’ve chosen to abort their shitty child many years into their lives. But instead, they’re here. And they are hell-bound and determined to make it everyone’s fucking problem. 

For them, it’s not enough to have the modern-day Republican party impose their Christo-Fascist beliefs down the throat of every man, woman, and child in the country. They must spin you around and ram it up the ass of every Democrat in Congress. Liberals love every second of it as they moan, “vote harder, Daddy,” taking all 4-inches of GOP Anglo-peepee. 

So, in honor of America’s gigantic stumbled backward, here’s a list of American politicians who should’ve been aborted to read as we await the moment this country cracks its metaphorical skull and bleeds out on the curb. 

Ted Cruz

Canadian bullshit artist Raphael Cruz is not only a giant pussy, cuck he will let you call his wife ugly right to his stupid, little chinstrap. Then turn around and suck your dick about it all the way to your reelection campaign. Shit, he’ll even help you overthrow the government if you feed his humiliation kink hard enough. 

Raphael grows more radical each day in a pursuit to convince himself and everyone around him that he’s a “man’s, man”, so much so that he is willing to radicalize the next generation of white-domestic terrorists. And for that, he’s aborted. 

Ron Desantis

The self-appointed dictator of Florida’s orange republic is a simple man. In his spare time, he enjoys attacking the rights LGBT+ children and their parents, suppressing black voices in classrooms, fighting with Mickey Mouse, and making excuses for why his supporters fly Nazi flags. 

He pretends to be a supporter of freedom while crushing any opposition to his ideology, including letting his SS loons run you over with their cars if you’re protesting where they don’t like. And he is so entrenched in his own delusions he will blame “the left” for why his children will grow up to hate him. It’s a shame his wife got cancer and not him. Aborted. 

Lindsey Graham

Lady G heads the committee of closeted GOP members, and the star of the cocaine orgies Madison Cawthorne is currently being absolutely demolished for talking about. Rumor has it that he has a little black book of every male prostitute in DC. The post-nut clarity of Lindsey is so intense that he works to destroy an entire community out of guilt. 

Ultimately, his inability to let people live how they want gets him aborted. 

Mitch McConnell 

How Mitch McConnell has even survived long enough to make this list is beyond comprehension. The man’s face is literally melting. Flesh rotting from the bone, creating the longest ching anyone has ever witnessed. And he wears it as a display that he is one of the highest-ranking white devils. 

There isn’t a person or living creature Mitch wouldn’t sacrifice just to have 30 more minutes on this planet to do a crumb more of evil shit to people who don’t deserve it. And because he hasn’t crossed over yet, he gets aborted. 

Josh Hawley 

Josh is so far back in the closet he spends his waking hours fighting gay rights with the power of every demon inside of him. He would rather attack queer youth and destroy their community than admit that he spends cold nights by Lady G’s side. Aborted. 

Marjorie Taylor Greene & Matt Gaetz

Listed together because they’re probably inside one another as this is being written. Matt and MTG (not Magic The Gathering) spent so much time together during their Fuck Around America Tour this year, and it’s a miracle Matt’s not pregnant. 

These two should be arrested for many reasons, from their ties to white supremacists, inciting an insurrection, planting pipe bombs on federal property (allegedly), and trafficking drugs and children (ALLEGEDLY). But the best part of their abortion will be never having to see either of their fucked up craniums again! 

Lauren Boebert

There’s a former professional wrestler out there somewhere named “Sweet” Stan Lane that really wishes Lauren would’ve been aborted a long time ago. 

She throws around the word “groomer” for anyone who doesn’t care where people piss or shit while ignoring that she’s grooming future domestic terrorists in her own home. She, her husband, and the potential school threats often pose with the rifles, talking about their love of the lord and killing those on “the left.” Just good old fashion abortion-worthy family values. 

Joe Manchin 

Better known as the current President of the United States, Joe “Dickhead Shit Fuck Inbred” Manchin shouldn’t have just been aborted but stillborn from his mother’s opioid addiction, but here we are. That’s it. 

Tulsi Gabbard

I’m not sure when Tulsi Gabbard went full mask off on being a Russian asset, shitting Kremlin propaganda from her mouth on Fox News. But, she gets aborted because this author got drunk during the pandemic and donated $20 to her 2020 campaign after seeing a picture of her in yoga pants and highly regrets it. Am I easily radicalized, or am I just a simp? Don’t answer that.