Why Ron DeSantis Always Wears a Suit

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is known not only for being an ideological fascist clown but for dressing like one too. His horrendously tacky navy blue suits do an excellent job of showing how he relates to the everyman. Because there’s no other way to choose a suit that is simultaneously too tight and falling off your body other than being a fucking idiot. 

Thankfully, the Governor sat down with Lousy Human to clear up the reasoning behind his fashion choices. 

“I get this question a lot, so I’m really glad you asked,” DeSantis said. “I wear suits all the time because underneath, I’m shaped like a fat little boy. I’ve been getting heavier by the month since becoming Governor, and I’ve developed these gigantic milkers and melon smashers. I don’t think I could remove my wedding band off these chunky sausage fingers with medical intervention. 

The worst part is I gain all my weight in my tits and thighs, so I can’t find anything that fits. My jackets are too tight on my chest, back, and arms, while my pants squeeze my thighs and dangle like a sheet in the wind from the knee down. It’s a mess. 

So I plan never to take off my suit no matter what. I work in my suit, campaign in my suit, and even shower in my suit to clean it. I’m not even sure if I can take my suit off anymore. The last time I tried, I saw my jacket was connected by two long mushrooms that went through my shirt and attached to my nipples. And that’s something I just don’t want to deal with right now.”

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