President Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter yesterday, sending many nationwide into a frenzy. Despite previously stating he would respect prosecutors’ decisions and not pardon his son, Biden backtracked, calling the trial “politically motivated.”

Then, in a clenched-jaw address to the press, Biden came out swinging, leaving Lousy Human regretting our attendance.

“I hear a lot of chirping,” Biden said. “A lot of little birds chirping about me pardoning my son. Guess what? I don’t regret it, and I’d do it again. Everyone likes a little crack and some pussy.”

The room fell into a mix of pearl-clutching gasps and murmurs of agreement.

“What? Can’t bring yourself to admit it?” he chuckled. “Seriously though, my colleagues across the aisle want to pretend my son isn’t a hero to them—refusing to pay his taxes or register his firearms in defiance of the government, or in this case, his old man.”

He gripped the podium, pausing for a moment, his grin fading.

“Look, I’m an old man who’s watched half his family die right in my arms. I don’t have much time left, and I’m not going to let my son rot in prison while I’m still breathing. Especially not when the next guy is going to pardon a bunch of white domestic terrorists and some shaman with a funny hat.”

He turned to leave but paused midway to the exit. Sliding on his aviators, he turned back toward the stunned press corps.

“And if anyone else has something to say about it, I’ll beat the fuck out of them personally.” He mimed a punch toward the crowd, causing the room to flinch.

“Classic,” he muttered as he walked off.