After United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson’s claim to keep living denied, chief executives all over the country are panicked. But nobody more than Elon Musk, who has spent the last week wearing his son around like a backpack in what seems to be an attempt to ward off any would-be copycats. 

In leaked Discord messages sent to Lousy Human, Elon expressed his concerns about his safety.

“He doesn’t cover enough of space,” Musk said. “I have the two others from my bitch ex-wife Grimes, but there is still too much space left open.”

Then, in a stroke of what can only be described as the deranged psychopathy of a desperate man, he made a bold suggestion.

“I need to have more babies,” Elon stated. “Just to shore things up a bit. I’ll add the other two to the mix. Have Space X engineer me a three-child suit that will expand as they age. I can rely on that until I can create more.” 

To satisfy his request, Musk’s ready and willing caravan of incels put out the call for tradwives all over the country to join Elon’s polycule. Starting a grassroots campaign called ‘Operation Elon’s Shieldwall,’ which includes handing out pamphlets at crypto conventions

Those interested must be “conservative women of child-bearing age, hate feminism, the left, and Grimes, along with thinking that Elon is the smartest, coolest, funniest, and most human-like of all the meme lords online.”

The attached disclaimer informed those bold enough to volunteer for the unpaid “Babymaker” position(s) would be subject to execution if future children were not of the male gender or too small to cover Elon’s powerful physique.”

So far, there have been 13 applicants. None of which he is happy with, but he will do it “to ensure the safety of his biological Gundam with the necessary module armor needed for optimal protection.” 

“One applicant reportedly declared, ‘I’d rather be an unpaid Elon incubator than waste my womb on a beta male,’ a sentiment Musk reportedly called ‘mid but sufficient.’”

Applicants are advised to use the ‘Babymaker Candidate Portal’ powered by SpaceX’s proprietary ‘BabyGPT’ AI, which assesses uterine viability and ideological purity.

For those interested, Musk’s team suggests reviewing Tesla’s Code of Conduct for insights into the future of his family—or his human shield.