Florida Man is Way Too Confident for a 30-year-old Virgin

WEST PALM BEACH – Florida Man Mickey Pugnuts was arrested last night at his mother’s guesthouse after receiving numerous calls of being way too confident about sex he hasn’t received yet. Bar patrons, neighbors, friends, and even family have made calls to the Palm Beach County Sheriffs Office to lodge complaints against the 30-year-old virgin.

“All I remember was him belligerently begging this poor woman ‘please take my fucking V, I’m going to be 30 next week’ over and over again,” said Amanda Whitetown, bartender at Dodo’s Sports Bar & Grill. “It was quite the spectacle.”

Pugnuts neighbor recalls a different story told by Mickey before his arrest.

“Last week he walked right through my hedges while I was relaxing by my pool,” said next-door neighbor Susan Crackerface to WPTV. “to tell me about ‘Chelsea’ this dumb, ugly thumb of a human that’s been dragging him along for seven years and how she’s totally going to sleep with him this time. I said, ‘yeah fucking right, virgin’ and pushed him back over to his yard.” 

His friends told WPTV Pugnuts believed he could sleep with just about anybody now that he was going out with Chelsea regularly. Thinking he was getting closer to losing his virginity. 

“The guy goes on two ‘dates’ without even so much as a kiss goodnight and now talks about how he may have to ditch her for another woman who wants to sleep with him,” friend Mike Spaghetti said. “He’s usually obnoxious, but the faux-confidence really puts it over the edge.”

But it wasn’t until Ellen Pugnuts contacted the PBSO before officers decided to intervene. 

“My son sits in his room playing video games and tugging at his dick as if he was trying to remove it from his body,” Ellen stated. “And over the last week, I’ve had to listen to him talk about who he thinks wanted to have sex with him when a woman so much as glanced his direction. It was enough to want to commit a homicide. So I made the call.”

Pugnuts will spend the night in police custody, where they will up his medication before sending him back to his mother.

Leave a Reply